Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
