He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I need a beard to bite.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
