Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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