I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
