I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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