I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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