haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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