Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
