Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
