just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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