tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
