the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
