Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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