i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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