so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
