Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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