She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Randomize
