i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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