she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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