I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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