So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
