I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
