Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
love makes seman taste better
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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