What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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