I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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