Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
