Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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