I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
