I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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