Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
