I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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