how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
