You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
