I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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