He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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