Me too!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize