literally had 100 drinks last night.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
