i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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