It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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