I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
