the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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