I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
