The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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