I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
