I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize