He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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