I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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