I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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