he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
