My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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