My room smells like vodka and shame
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I need a burrito and a hug.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
