There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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