I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
