My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
