i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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