shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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